Parenting is challenging enough. What happens when you and your co-parent have completely different approaches?
For example:
- One prioritises routine, carefully planning meals, activities, and bedtimes. The other is more flexible, preferring to go with the flow and adapt in the moment.
- One values discipline, believing clear consequences teach responsibility. The other prioritises connection, feeling that empathy and understanding guide behaviour better.
These differences can create confusion and conflict for our children and between parents. It’s a tension that many of us know all too well, as it is one of the most common issues reported in our community. As both a parent who has walked this path myself and someone who hears these stories daily, it resonates deeply.
While achieving a perfectly synchronised parenting style might seem like the goal, it’s often an unrealistic and, arguably, unnecessary ideal. In fact, when approached constructively, your differing approaches can add richness and depth to the parenting process. They can offer your child a more balanced, well-rounded, and adaptable experience as they navigate the world.
In part two of our Parenting Style series, we explore how to bridge these gaps together.
The Impact on Children
Children thrive on consistency. When parenting styles clash, we worry that they may experience:
- Confusion about differing rules
- Anxiety from unpredictability
- Manipulation, playing parents against each other
- Split loyalties, feeling caught in the middle
Research shows it’s not the difference in styles that’s most damaging, but high conflict and lack of unity (1).
Common Co-Parenting Dynamics
Note: These are simplified examples. Our actual family dynamics are richer and more nuanced.
1. The Structured vs. Flexible Parent
- Example: Firm 8 PM bedtime at Mum’s vs. flexible timing at Dad’s
- Child’s experience: May become anxious in one home, boundary-test in the other
Remember: Cultural context shapes what we view as “strict” or “safe”
2. The Involved vs. Independence-Promoting Parent
- Example:
- Close playground supervision vs. encouraging independent Examples:
- Playground: Close supervision vs. encouraging independent play.
- School Avoidance: Insisting on attendance vs. allowing space to process emotions.
- Child’s experience: Mixed messages about their capabilities—feeling either over-monitored or misunderstood.
Remember: Labels don’t capture our nuanced, culturally informed approaches
3. The Balanced vs. Connection-Led Parent
- Example: “Homework before screens” vs. “Let’s take a break first”
- Child’s experience: Can benefit from both structure and empathy when communication is good
Remember: Most of us blend styles dynamically
Strategies to Reduce Friction
1. Focus on Shared Values
Identify what you both want for your child (kindness, resilience, etc.) rather than debating methods.
2. Agree on non-negotiables
Create a short list of essential rules that must be consistent in both homes.
3. Consider a Parent Coach
A neutral professional can help communicate perspectives without blame and create a practical parenting plan (2).We will also work with you by focusing on our shared values and collaborative tools, we shift from “who’s right” to “what works for our child and our family.”
Book a free discovery call with us : https://neurotribe.uk/contact/
4. Use Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS)
Use this adapted framework from Dr. Ross Greene’s model (3), this 3-step approach helps co-parents resolve differences:
- Step 1 – The Empathy Step: Share your concern about an issue without proposing a solution. Just listen. “My concern is that without a fixed routine, our child gets overwhelmed.”
- Step 2 – Define the Problem Collaboratively: State the problem in terms of both concerns. “So, we need an approach that provides structure to prevent panic but is flexible enough to avoid nightly power struggles.”
- Step 3 – The Invitation: Brainstorm solutions that address both concerns. Agree on a plan to try. “What if we agree on a ‘homework window’ where our child can choose when to start?”
5. Present a United Front
Use “Let me discuss this with your other parent first” when requests arise, modelling respectful problem-solving.
The Heart of the Matter
The goal isn’t identical parenting, but a respectful partnership that provides security.
Reflect:
- What’s one value you and your co-parent share?
- Could the CPS approach help your next difficult conversation?
NeuroTribe is a neuroinclusive organisation that offers psychotherapy, neurodiversityHow human brains and minds differ. The Neurodiversity Movement is an approach that seeks equal rights, respect and inclusion for neurodivergent people who have conditions like autism, Asperger's syndrome, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia, ADHD, OCD or Tourette Syndrome coaching, and parenting coaching.Book your free exploration call below at a time that works for you using this link : https://neurotribe.uk/contact/
References & Further Reading
- Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The Internal Structure and Ecological Context of Coparenting: A Framework for Research and Intervention. Parenting: Science and Practice, 3(2), 95-131.
- Association for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice (UK). (2021). The Value of Systemic Coaching in Family Relationships.
- Greene, R. W. (2014). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. HarperCollins.
